As someone currently undergoing her third Christmas pregnancy, I thought it might be useful to share a few of the hard earned lessons I’ve learnt over the last few years. Happy Christmas!
1.Do not be pregnant at Christmas. It’s a really bad idea. The whole creating new life thing is all very magical, but at no other time of year is socially acceptable to be pissed by lunchtime for a whole two weeks day.
2. If you can’t have gin for breakfast, at least you can have cake, as can your existing children. Panettone is a good idea because it’s teaching them Italian and there’s lots of fruit in it.
3. A good way to pretend the pint of water you’re drinking is actually gin is to put cucumber or lime in it, or any other accessories you’d find in a G&T. Umbrellas are very festive.
4. Save sparkling water for Christmas morning to make it really special.
5. Strip! Thanks to your body’s strange behaviour you might well be completely overheating, but it’s worth remembering the rest of your family is probably not. Arguments about the thermostat are up there with whether the cups go on the left or right side of the dishwasher as things guaranteed to push a marriage over the edge.
6. Operate a strict sex blackout during October, November and December. This way you will not be under three months pregnant over Christmas, and thus puking your guts up every time M&S gets all porn-y in their food ads, or a kitchen/bin smell gets up your nose.
7. The best time to get pregnant is January 1st, when you’re still drunk and optimistic from New Years Eve, and thus in the perfect state to be creating the magic of new life. Plus, your baby will be out by mid-autumn and thus sleeping beautifully by the time next year’s festivities comes round. Honest.
8. People will make allowances for you. Take them. You do not have to go to your husband’s work do. You do not have to host Christmas dinner…
9. But don’t take this too far and let someone else host you instead. Staying at other peoples’ houses is a bad idea. They will not have the requisite number of mattresses, pillows and separate beds that you now require. Also, it’s not totally charming for other people to be woken every hour as you go to the loo or hit the biscuit tin or tell your husband that you’re awake again and is he awake too?
10. Avoid It’s a Wonderful Life . Trust me, you’re not up to it.